Think about the word “attachment”…. What comes to mind?  Closeness?  Feeling so close to someone that you feel you two are actually attached?!  It’s wonderful to feel close to others, meaning it can also feel very painful when there are challenges in forming and maintaining these close connections.  

Attachment plays a significant role in how we relate to others, and we learn how to do this early.  How our parents and caregivers respond to our needs as babies can greatly shape our expectations of others.  Psychologist John Bowlby studied babies’ early interactions with their caregivers and developed Attachment Theory.  He found that there are different attachment styles people can develop with others including:

Secure

Anxious

Avoidant

Disorganized 

For people to feel their best, they need to feel safely connected to those who are important to them.  This includes trust that that person is not going to abandon them.  Of course we can’t control other people (it is possible even with people we feel a secure attachment with could still leave us unexpectedly …..UNLIKELY, but possible).  What’s not as important is being able to predict the future since we will never know the future for sure until we get there!  What’s more important is how we feel in relationships and the feelings of trust and security we feel in healthy relationships that will make us want to invest in them. 

If a person has been hurt, betrayed, or neglected in the past, it can feel like an impossible task to try to develop a secure attachment with new people in their life.  But the rewards are worth it!  Feeling loved, close, and secure with others can lead to profound feelings of peace and happiness.

Here are some ways people can try to heal from insecure attachment and develop more secure attachment styles:

–Try!  Take a risk, try a relationship, give a new person the benefit of the doubt.  You may be pleasantly surprised that the person is not like others in previous painful relationships you’ve had and they actually can be consistently loving and available to you!

–Notice.  Recognize if a relationship is not working out the way you like, and you are noticing patterns from your previous relationships.  This can be a cue to take a step back, check in with yourself, and evaluate how you would like to proceed in the relationship.

–Get support.  It can sometimes be difficult to see in relationships, especially if a person has had challenges with attachment in the past.  It can be extremely helpful to talk to a therapist for support to help navigate the dynamics of an attachment being formed in a new relationship.  They can help you see what may be working in the relationship, what may not be working, ways you can manage your expectations in the relationship, and ways you can get your needs met.